i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
