The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
