When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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