No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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