She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
