I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
