Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
