if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
