Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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