I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
