I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
