Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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