What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
