so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
