woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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