I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
