batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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