I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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