im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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