I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
