May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
