FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
