there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
