Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
