Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
