I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
