In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
