Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
