i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
