After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
