New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
