I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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