Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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