Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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