Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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