I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
