Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
