The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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