You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
