shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
