You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
