I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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