what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im six kinds of drunk right now
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
