He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
