Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
