I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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