Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
