I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
