good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
