i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
