he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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